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These Are the seventy five Funniest Quotes of All Time (Memorize Them!)

Thursday, September 29th 2016. | Tips and Tricks

Oct_2016_quotes_Stephen_Colbert_John_Cuneo_US161001A_Illustration by John Cuneo

At Reader’s Digest, we’re all the time looking out for one of the best quotes ever uttered. We fill our buckets with stirring quotes that specify the which means of life, sensible quotes that cease arguments of their tracks, basic film quotes that give us chills, epic quotes that modified historical past in two phrases or much less and, merely, glad quotes that by no means fail to make us smile. Right now, we’re tickled to deliver you this: the seventy five funniest quotes of all time. Take pleasure in.

Half 1: Laughs from Gaffes
Bypass the comment you’d all the time remorse in favor of the 
model you’ll shamelessly repeat…

As an alternative of claiming this … 
“I assumed Europe was a rustic.” —Kellie Pickler, nation music singer
… Say this: “If our Founding Fathers needed us to care about the remainder of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.”     —Stephen Colbert

As an alternative of claiming this… 
“It’s higher to reside someday as a lion than one hundred years as a sheep.” —Donald Trump (retweeting a Benito Mussolini quote)
… Say this: “The lion shall lie down with the calf, however the calf gained’t get a lot sleep.” —Woody Allen

As an alternative of claiming this … 
“I make Jessica Simpson appear to be a rock scientist.”  —Tara Reid, actress
… Say this: “My definition of an mental is somebody who can take heed to the William Inform Overture with out considering of the Lone Ranger.” —Billy Connolly, actor

As an alternative of claiming this … 
“I gained’t go into an enormous spiel about reincarnation, however the first time 
I used to be within the Gucci retailer in Chicago was the closest I’ve ever felt 
to residence.” —Kanye West, rap artist
… Say this: “I don’t consider in reincarnation, and I didn’t consider in it once I was a hamster.” —Shane Richie, British actor

As an alternative of claiming this … 
“It’s actually exhausting to take care of a 
one-on-one relationship if the opposite individual isn’t going to permit me to be with different individuals.” —Axl Rose, lead singer of Weapons N’ Roses
… Say this: “Bigamy is 
having one husband too many. 
Monogamy is identical.” —Nameless

Oct_2016_quotes_Winston_Churchill_Illustration_by_John_Cuneo_US161001A_Illustration by John Cuneo

Half 2: Battle Ire with Hearth
Fend off a merciless or silly declaration with a zinger that 
could have the Hamptons buzzing…

Following an argument, an 
indignant Woman Astor advised Winston Churchill, “Winston, in case you have been 
my husband, I’d put poison in your espresso.” Churchill snapped, “Should you have been my spouse, I’d drink it.”

When Mick Jagger insisted that his wrinkles have been truly chuckle strains, jazz singer George Melly replied, “Certainly nothing might be that humorous.”
A sports activities columnist recalled the story of a flight attendant who requested Muhammad Ali to lock his seat belt. Ali replied, “Superman don’t want no seat belt.” The flight attendant’s retort: “Superman don’t want no airplane both.”

Seeing a male canine sniffing a 
feminine canine, the younger daughter of Laurence Olivier requested Noël Coward what they have been doing. Coward: “The one in entrance has out of the blue gone blind and the opposite one has very kindly provided to push him.”

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When a fan requested Wolfgang 
Amadeus Mozart for recommendations on writing symphonies, the composer 
is claimed to have instructed, “Start with some easy lieder and work your method as much as a symphony.” “However Herr Mozart,” replied the fan, “you have been writing symphonies once you have been eight.” “Sure,” stated Mozart. “However I by no means requested anyone.”

Within the Nineteen Sixties, Joe Pyne, one in every of 
the unique shock jocks, apparently started an interview with Frank 
Zappa by saying, “So I assume your lengthy hair makes you a lady.” Zappa responded, “So I assume your picket leg makes you a desk.”

Katharine Hepburn so hated filming a film with John Barrymore, she declared, “Mr. Barrymore, I’m by no means going to behave with you once more.” Barrymore replied, “My pricey, you continue to haven’t.”

Director/author Kevin Smith 
advised Tim Burton that Burton’s Planet of the Apes reminded him of 
a comic book e-book he’d written. Burton responded, “Everybody is aware of I by no means learn comics.” Smith shot again, “That explains Batman.”

An acquaintance walked previous 
 Algonquin Spherical Desk member Marc Connelly and ran a hand over Connelly’s bald pate. “That feels 
simply as clean and as good as my spouse’s behind,” he stated. Connelly,
 operating his personal hand over his 
head, remarked, “So it does!”

Leonard Nimoy was requested by a lady, “Are you conscious that you simply [as Spock] are the supply of erotic dream materials for girls all over the world?” Nimoy’s reply: “Might all of your goals come true.”

“Stay each week prefer it’s Shark Week!” —Tina Fey

Oct_2016_quotes_Tina_Fey_John_Cuneo_US161001A_Illustration by John Cuneo

Half three: 9 Issues a Nice Line Is Good For

1. Advocating: “You already know there’s an issue once you understand that out of the three Rs, just one begins with an R.” —Dennis Miller, comic

2. Chiding: “To lose 
one mum or dad could also be 
considered a misfortune; to lose each seems like carelessness.” —Oscar Wilde

three. Critiquing: “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” —Billy Wilder, director

four. Praising (and insulting): “She loves nature regardless of what it did to her.” —Bette Midler

5. Creating hope: “Can 
you think about a world with out males? No crime and plenty of pleased fats ladies.” —Nicole Hollander, cartoonist

6. Waxing philosophical: “Begin every single day with a smile and recover from it.” —W. C. Fields (attributed)

7. Wanting inward: “I want I had the arrogance of the lady who boldly admits she’s the 
Miranda of her crew.” —Jessica Biel, actress

eight. Piety: “Need to know what God thinks of cash? Take a look at the individuals he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker, author

9. Summing up the world: “Karaoke is the good equalizer.” —Aisha Tyler, speak present host

“They are saying marriages are made 
in Heaven. However so is thunder and lightning.” —Clint Eastwood

Oct_2016_quotes_Clint_Eastwood_John_Cuneo_US161001A_Illustration by John Cuneo

Half four: Timed Strains
The fitting line on the proper time is a factor of magnificence. 
Memorize these tried-and-true replies for any state of affairs…

It’s Thanksgiving dinner, and your Luddite uncle Ralph is at it once more about how science is bunk:

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“I’ve observed that even 
individuals who declare every thing is pre­decided and that we will do nothing to vary it look 
earlier than they cross the street.” —Stephen Hawking, physicist

“The one individuals who nonetheless 
name hurricanes acts of God are the individuals who write insurance coverage types.” —Neil deGrasse Tyson, astrophysicist

“By all means let’s be open-minded, however not so open-minded that our brains drop out.” —Richard Dawkins, scientist

“He was so slender-minded, 
he might see via a 
keyhole with each eyes.” —Molly Ivins, writer

“I’ve come to study that the perfect 
time to debate relations 
is once they have meals in 
their mouths.” —Kenneth Cole, designer


A pal is contemplating getting married, and you’ve got sure “insights” concerning the establishment you’d like to speak:

“They are saying marriages are made 
in Heaven. However so is thunder and lightning.” —Clint Eastwood

“My recommendation to you is get married: In the event you discover a good spouse you’ll be comfortable; if not, you’ll turn out to be a thinker.”  —Socrates

 

“Earlier than you marry an individual, 
you must first make them use a pc with sluggish Web 
service to see who they are surely.” —Will Ferrell

“Life in Lubbock, Texas, 
taught me that intercourse is probably the most terrible, filthy factor on earth, 
and it is best to reserve it for somebody you’re keen on.” —Butch Hancock, nation musician

“As an alternative of getting married once more, I’m going to discover a lady I don’t like and simply give her a home.” —Rod Stewart, rock star


Somebody is pressuring you to do higher. Time to decrease the bar:

“All of the issues I love to do are 
both immoral, unlawful, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott, actor

“When you’ve gotten bacon in your mouth, it doesn’t matter who’s president.” —Louis CK

“A part of [the $10 million] went 
for playing, horses, and ladies. The remaining I spent foolishly.” —George Raft, movie star

“I used to be going to sue for defamation of character, however then I noticed I’ve no character.” —Charles Barkley, TV basketball analyst
“I do know a person who gave up smoking, consuming, intercourse, and wealthy meals. He was wholesome proper as much as the day he killed himself.” —Johnny Carson

A coworker asks your opinion 
of an unbearable boss. You’re glad to unload:

“He isn’t solely uninteresting himself, he’s the reason for dullness in others.” —Samuel Johnson, 18th-century writer

“Her solely aptitude is in her nostrils.” —Pauline Kael, movie critic

“She by no means lets concepts interrupt the straightforward circulate of her dialog.” —Jean Webster, writer

“He can compress probably the most phrases into the smallest concept of any man I do know.”  —Abraham Lincoln
“He’s a self-made man and 
worships his creator.” —Henry Clapp, newspaper editor
“Individuals who assume they know 
all the things are an awesome annoyance to these of us who do.” —Isaac Asimov, science fiction author

“The difficulty with some ladies is that they get all enthusiastic about nothing, after which they marry him.” —Cher

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Oct_2016_quotes_Cher_Illustration_by_John_Cuneo_US161001A_Illustration by John Cuneo

Half 5: Level/Counterpoint
Learn how to win the argument, change sides, then win once more…

DOGS VS CATS
Level: “A canine teaches a boy 
constancy, perseverance, and to show round 3 times earlier than mendacity down.” —Robert Benchley, humorist

Counterpoint: “Cats are smarter than canine. You’ll be able to’t get eight cats to tug a sled via snow.” —Jeff Valdez, producer

WINE VS BEER
Level: “Wine; a continuing proof that God loves us, and likes to see us pleased.” —Benjamin Franklin

Counterpoint: “Why beer is best than wine: human ft are 
conspicuously absent from beer making.” —Steve Mirsky, writer

DEMOCRATS VS REPUBLICANS
Level: “The Democrats are the celebration that claims authorities 
will make you smarter, taller, richer, and take away crabgrass 
in your garden.” —P. J. O’Rourke, author

Counterpoint: “The Republicans are the social gathering that claims authorities doesn’t work, after which they get elected and show it.” —P. J. O’Rourke, nonetheless a author

MEN VS WOMEN
Level: “I’ve been married to 
one Marxist and one Fascist, and 
neither one would take the 
rubbish out.” —Lee Grant, actress

Counterpoint: “The difficulty with some ladies is that they get all enthusiastic about nothing, after which they marry him.” —Cher

FICTION VS NONFICTION
Level: “The distinction between fiction and actuality? Fiction has to make sense.” —Tom Clancy, writer

Counterpoint: “Watch out about studying well being books. 
Chances are you’ll die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain

OPTIMISTS VS PESSIMISTS
Level: “An optimist is somebody who falls off the Empire State Constructing, and after 50 flooring says, ‘To date so good!’” —Nameless

Counterpoint: “The great half about being a pessimist is that you’re continuously being both confirmed proper or pleasantly 
stunned.” —George Will, columnist

BLONDES VS BRUNETTES
Level: “I’m not offended by blonde jokes as a result of I do know I’m not dumb … and I additionally know that I’m not blonde.” —Dolly Parton

Counterpoint: “It was a blonde. A blonde to make a bishop kick a gap in a stained-glass window.” —Raymond Chandler, writer

CRITICS VS ARTISTS
Level: “He suffers from delusions of adequacy.” —Walter Kerr, critic

Counterpoint: “Critics are 
like eunuchs in a harem; they know the way it’s executed, they’ve seen it achieved day-after-day, however they’re 
unable to do it themselves.” —Brendan Behan, Irish writer

Half 6: Who Stated It?
How properly have you learnt your well-known quotes? Take the quiz.

1)     “The reviews of my dying are tremendously exaggerated.”

2)     “Two issues are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not 
positive concerning the universe.”

three)     “Good women go to heaven, dangerous women go in all places.”

four)     “If stupidity acquired us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”

5)     “He has no enemies, however is extremely disliked by his pals.”

6)     “They are saying you shouldn’t say something concerning the lifeless until it’s good. 
He’s lifeless. Good.”

7)     “Washington is a metropolis of Southern effectivity and Northern appeal.”

eight)     “The difficulty with this nation is that there are too many individuals going 
about saying, ‘The difficulty with this nation is …’”

ANSWERS:

1) Mark Twain; 2) Albert Einstein; three) Helen Gurley Brown, former editor of Cosmopolitan;  
four) Will Rogers; 5) Oscar Wilde;  6) Mothers Mabley; 
7) President John F. Kennedy; eight) Sinclair Lewis

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